Getting Real

My brain and my mood is in a real down funk today. And it has been for the last couple days. So I figure maybe if I write it all out, it’ll help. Be warned, this is going to be a long one.

Sunday was Easter. Yay. And because it was Easter, that means Easter dinner. With a family. Double yay. I was fortunate enough to have my boyfriend with me, so that helped with enduring it. But the aftermath of “family time” and the thoughts that go through my head…well meh. That’s something I’m just awful at dealing with.

My mother isn’t a great person. I mean…she did give birth to me and I love her, because she’s my mother. But I also hate her. I wanted to show my grandmother the video of my most recent stand up set, because I was really proud of it and she hadn’t seen my joke telling yet. As soon as my phone was in her hand, my mother made an effort to get the attention away from me and onto her. It worked, my grandmother barely paid attention to the video and gave me back my phone before my set was even over.

Liz are you really that surprised?

No. Not by my mother’s actions, but my grandmother’s…well yes. And I was hurt, not to mention frustrated. It didn’t help that all my family members at dinner asked me was “So Liz are you still working at such and such restaurant? How’s that going? Oh is that still your only job?” And then that’s it. That’s the extent of any conversation involving me. Other than work, I don’t exist. I don’t need to be the center of attention, but to be acknowledged beyond that would be great.

I’m different from the rest of my family. I never really had the whole career, marriage, family mentality. Those things weren’t my priority. My priority was me. I gave college a try, I didn’t like my major so I dropped out (just like my family had said I would). Then I struggled. I was in an abusive relationship. And when I say abusive I’m talking about physical, mental and emotional. He was the entire package. It was great. But I made it through. I got out of it. Then I kind of bounced around, struggled some more with jobs and my personal life. Then my dad was like, just come home.

So I did. My relationship with my mother took an even bigger downward spiral to the point where I felt like I didn’t even have one anymore. My stepmum stepped in, was wonderful, and then cheated on my dad and that went to shit because like I said before daddy’s girl right here.

So I got kicked out, moved in with my mother and our whole family was against it. “It’ll never work. She shouldn’t be taking her in.” Then it took me awhile to find a job, and the best part about that was my mother constantly telling me if I didn’t find a job I would be living in a homeless shelter. Fortunately I found a job and dug in. At one point I was working three jobs.

The point there is not to toot my own horn but to be like, “Hey I struggled but I hung in there and worked like hell to come out on top.” And I feel like that alone is something to be proud of. Overcoming the obstacles that life has thrown my way is something to be proud of. Using those obstacles to make me a stronger and better person is something to be proud of.

But apparently my family doesn’t feel that way. After my cousin gets married on Saturday, I’m the only one who isn’t married (aside from my younger brother). I’m not in a hurry to get married. I don’t feel the need to rush to the altar so to speak. And I certainly don’t feel a need to start pushing out babies. Good Lord, I’m much too selfish of a person to even consider reproducing and sharing my time, putting my life on hold, and devoting it to a baby. No thanks.

And I can tell, because I’m 25 going on 26 in nearly four months (insert age panic here) that my family thinks there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not living life to their standards. All because I’m a server who rents a one bedroom apartment in a small town and I have a boyfriend that I love with every ounce of my twisted and broken self. I don’t have a degree, I don’t have a “real” career, I don’t have a nice house with high ceilings, I don’t have a baby or a ring on my finger. I didn’t realize that meant there is something wrong with me.

I think what the worst part is…I let the feelings of inadequacy that my family throws my way carry over into my relationship. Last night I even made the stupid statement of “Why do you hide my existence on your Facebook?” Which in my head, at the time, was a valid feeling because I can’t help but think to myself why wouldn’t he hide me? I feel like I’m not good enough for him, that he deserves someone so much better than me. Somebody who isn’t broken. Somebody who doesn’t let the small things get her down. Somebody who is strong and happy and positive. But you know what? Clearly he sees and loves something in me that I don’t see within myself. Obviously I’m not a giant piece of worthless trash if somebody so amazing and loving wants me. Right?

But should I let how people view me, whether it be in a negative or positive way, define how I view myself? I’m pretty sure the answer is no. I know that I’m a good person, that I’m strong, that I work hard, that I’ve earned what I have. I know I have a huge heart that is bursting at the seams with love and I’ve found someone who I want to give that love to. My little apartment might not be much to some, but to me it’s mine. I worked for it, I earned it. It might not have high ceilings, screens in the windows, a bathtub shower or a dishwasher but it’s mine. I did it, nobody did it for me. I got myself to this point. Yes I had love and support along the way, but I’m ultimately the reason I am here and that I have gotten this far. And I want to see how much farther I can go before rings and babies happen. I want to do it with him, but I want to do it my way, his way, our way. I don’t care if it’s not conventional and if it doesn’t meet my family’s standards. They can just sit back and watch, shake their heads, whatever.

I’m just…I’m at a crossroads here I guess. Do I let my family remain in my life and weigh me down or do I let them and the heavy baggage go? I’ve already severed ties with one family, can I do it with the only family I have left? I don’t know. I really don’t. But I also don’t know how much longer I can live my life like this, excited by my accomplishments but weighed down because of the negativity spewed by people who are supposed to love me. How do you know which way is the right way to go?